The LambSauce Wars: BeastMode
Part 1
I woke up screaming again
Only this time I didn’t splooge muh jammie bottoms. I had that dream again. The dream about that fucking room. The blood and bone and flesh strewn about, the hooks, the pictures, and that fucking girl. Tied to the bed, naked as a fucking newborn, missing teeth, missing fingers and toes, and her arms and legs twisted like they were goddamn twizzlers. And the smell, that damn smell, I haven’t been able to count change since that day, the smell of pennies reminds me of the blood. I got up, put on my night fedora, grabbed my emergency blunt. And walked outside to ponder what to do with myself. I don’t know why the girl had been getting under my skin so much recently. It had been over a year since we crossed over into their world. I mean shit, they didn’t even look like us.
I snickered “they sure as shit bled like us.” I have really turned numb recently. And not just from being edgy, like legit, PTSD numb. When I rescued Gordon all those years ago, I didn’t expect to be carrying bodies out of basements. It wasn’t what I had signed up to do. After I finished my blunt I thought to myself and finally decided….it was time for me to leave Gordon. He would have to find a new number 3. I called Keem to tell him the news, but all I got was a dialtone. I wondered what Gordon was doing.
“NO NO NO NO NOOOOO” Gordon screamed. “I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL TURN YOU INTO FUCKING SHITE.” The monks scrambled around the temple grabbing ingredients while wearing blue and red uniforms. Gordon knew the purity of the previous batch of sacred sauce would be near impossible to match, but he was sure as shit gonna try. He watched as the monks ran about mixing. Until finally...a group of monks walked up to him with sauce. They got on their knees, bowed their heads, and raised the sauce up for Gordon to judge. Gordon slowly took the sauce from the head monks hands. Dipped his fingers in it, and shoved his finger right up his asshole. He tasted the sauce with his prostate, and was pleased.
“It doesn’t hold a candle to the Original sauce, but it’ll work, EVERYONE ON THE OPPOSING TEAMS GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY GODDAMN TEMPLE. MOOOOOOOVE” Gordon took out his sauce necklace, the same one he used to resurrect Keem, and filled it back up.
“Here, take this to the chamber, and fucking lock it this time.” the monks did as they were told and scurried on. Gordon sat in the main chamber and looked out the window to the storm gathering in the distance. The air had a certain electricity, Gordon could feel it….something was wrong.
Part 2
“Screw it, this is something I need to do in person” I thought to myself as I put on my My Little Pony limited Edition tactical backpack and mounted up on my new 53XY motorcycle. I lit a cigar and looked forward in the D4NK357 way I could. I kicked it into gear and did a 369 donut and left for the temple to meet with Gordon.
Gordon knew something was wrong. He called all the monks to the main chamber. It didn’t take long for Gordon’s suspicions be proven true. The storm was much closer, and in a massive flash of lightning, a figure came from the skies. Gordon couldn’t see the entity's details, but he could tell it wasn’t the soy-ridden fuck he’s tangled with in the past. He ordered the monks behind him as the figure touched down. Finally, the figure stepped out from the bolts of lightning. The figure was massive, and thicc as fuk. He hawt muscles protruded from his t-shirt that was 2 sizes too small. His arms were covered in pressure bands, his long hair peeking out from his backwards hat. And perhaps the most terrifying of all...was his thick, flowing, beard. Gordon stepped back, but was determined to defend the temple and the freshly made sauce. The man took a step forward and spoke:
“hello….L.A. Beast here. Today, I am gonna rek your shit, and take your LambSauce.” The beast then produced a bottle of Crystal Pepsi and chugged that shit like a baws.
“WHY DON’T YOU GO BACK UP YOUR GAY BOLT OF LIGHTNING AND FUCK OFF” Gordon yelled over the storm.
“...no” The beast remarked, and unleashed a massive flow of crystal pepsi vomit from his mouth. Gordon narrowly dodged the vomit, but the monks weren’t so lucky. The poor fucks screamed as they melted into a puddle of nothing. Gordon was horrified, but didn’t waiver. It was mono e mono, lol.
“Gordon, I like you, I think you’re a pretty cool dude. But if you don’t step out of the way and let me get the sauce, then I’m gonna have to move you myself.”
Gordon was more than intimidated by this…..beast (lol) but he steeled his soul and resisted.
“Go fuck yourself” he screamed and summoned his most powerful spell.
“CUMMY CUMMY YUUUUUM” Gordon screamed as a massive blast of ethereal sauce launched straight at the LA Beast.
“Amateur” Beast remarked and caught the blast in his hand..his bare fucking hand. And launched it right back at Gordon. Gordon’s eyes grew wide as he was engulfed by his own spell. He screamed as he was torn apart by the blast, and once the attack had ended….Gordon was nothing more than a pile of ashes. Not even his chefs shirt remained.
“Weakling” Beast remarked to the empty temple. But he wasn’t alone. At the door of the temple stood a frozen raiden, brought down to his knees by the sight of his master being turned to nothing. He got back to his feet, pulled out a massive attack dildo from his tactical MLP backpack, and charged. Beast knew he was there the entire time, and dodged the brutal dildo attack, spun around, and got Raiden by the throat and picked the fuck off the ground by his throat. Raiden kicked his feet trying to find the ground, but the Beast’s grasp was solid. He finally choked out a single phrase. “F-fuck you..” Raiden managed to say. Beats laughed in his face and drew back his pepsi powered fist. The LA beast had his own final phrase.
“Thanks for watching me assfuck your master. Have a good day…..in hell” and decapitated Raiden in a single punch. Watching in satisfaction as Raiden head flew out the temple in a bloody arch.
The LambSauce was his for the taking. The LA Beast made his way through the empty temple to the room hidden in the chambers below. Finally, he found the lockbox that held the sauce. Beast.
“I don’t have time for this” Beast thought to himself and punched through the hardwood box as if it were cardboard. Finally, he held the sauce in his hand, he could feel the pulsating power of the sauce make its way through his body from his hand. Just then his phone rang. Beast begrudgingly answered
“THE FUCK DO YOU WANT I’M BUSY CLUTCHIN”
“....you do it?”
“Yes, Gordon is no more, and I even got his fuckbuddy.”
“Good. He may not have been a threat, but he would go to the grave with Gordon. Sounds like he did just that. Since I told you where he was, I get half of the sauce.”
LA Beast laughed “YOU GET AN EIGHTH, LIKE WHAT WE AGREED TO. DON’T FUCK WITH ME, KEEMSTAR.”
Daniel sighed “fine, just get your ass back here so we can divide it out.” The LA Beast hung up the phone, and flew back into the clouds in a flash of lightning.
Part 3:
“Rise, son of the sauce. Your service isn’t over yet.” the angelic voice told me. I woke up face down on the hard ground. My whole body was sore and I had a stabbing headache. I sat up and my vision started to come back to me, blurry at first, but eventually cleared. Wherever I was had a red tint to literally everything. Everything was either made out of stone or some organic material. As I started to become more acclimated to my surroundings I could feel the intense heat of the room. Then I noticed the bad cummies in my pants. I had a feeling the cummies were the least of my problems. I got to my feet and saw a small opening. I limped my aching body towards the opening, unprepared for what was on the other side. The small room I was in opened up to a massive space that looked to go on forever. AND THERE WAS GORDON, unconscious on the ground. My dick perked up and I absolutely had to masturbate. So I took 2.34 hours to wank it, and once I finished I went to help him. I rolled him onto his back, and his gorgeous blue eyes opened up to meet mine. I’ve seen this exact seen in literally dozens of amines. I leaned in for a kiss, only to be met with a swift bitch slap. Being dominated gave me even more bad cummies as Gordon shoved me off him as he sat up
.
“GET THE FUCK OFF ME YOU FUCKING FAGGOT.” he screamed before realizing where he was.
“Oh shit….it’s real.” he stammered. I got back on my feet after the massive bitch slap.
“What?” I said
“Raiden, do you know where we are?” Gordon asked
“I assumed it was another sex torture basement.”
“No you brainlet….it’s hell. We’re in hell.”
“I thought hell was supposed to hurt.”
“Guess we’ll find out.” Gordon said and motioned for me to follow him then I stopped.
“Wait, wheres Keem?” I asked
Gordon turned back around. “You’re right, Daniel-san isn’t here. We’ll figure that out later, we have more pressing matters.”
We continued on our journey through hell.
Part 4
“Gordon. I’ve noticed something. Are you tired, hungry, thirsty, or anything of the sort?”
“Now that you bring it up, Raiden, you’re right. We must really be dead. Speaking of, how did you end up dead?” Gordon asked
“Well, I was gonna tell you that I was…….”
I didn’t wanna tell Gordon I wanted to quit
“Wanting to get some training in the art of the sauce, but when I showed up that thicc boi turned you into literally nothing. I tried to stop him, but he decapitated me with a single punch.”
“Wow you got rekt fgt. But tell you what, if we somehow get out of hell. I’ll show you some low-level spells. Nothing crazy, but enough for you to get started.” gordon said optimistically
“..if?” I asked
“Yeah, if…..Raiden, hell is nothing like Earth. It’s not even in the same DIMENSION as Earth. The ancient sauce scriptures brought up Hell multiple times. It’s next to impossible to escape, but they say there’s a way to do it.” He trailed off, but continued
“From what the scriptures said. Hell is a bit like Dante’s version of hell. Layered. The top isn’t that bad, but the deeper you go, the worse it gets. Lucky for us, we were placed in the “waiting room” for Hell, at the very tiptop. However, for us to get out, we gotta journey through all the layers all the way to the bottom. But lucky for us I got this necklace…..”
Gordon looked down to his sauce necklace only to see that the scepter was broken, and all the sauce had leaked out. He sighed, but steeled himself.
“Don’t worry Raiden, I still have the dry spells. Not nearly as powerful as the spells using LambSauce, but useful regardless.”
We finally reached the end of the “waiting room.” I couldn’t help but be a bit nervous. The first layer was below us, and I sign sat in front of it as a warning to those about to enter:
Lol, what’s up fuccboi. If you’re reading this then you fucked up bigly. What lies ahead of you is some of the dankest shit you will ever experience. Your ass is grass.
Plus, there’s not soy, so prepare your anus.
Soy. Why the fuck does soy ring a bell? I pondered where I heard it, until it hit me.
“THE GIRL” I screamed
“Who?” Gordon exclaimed
“From the other timeline, the ones that ate literally nothing but soy.”
The look of realization filled Gordon’s delicious face “Those hipster fucks? Raiden fuck you for bringing that shithole up, fuck that timeline and fuck soy and fuck anyone who consumes soy as a primary source of nutrition. I can’t believe Hell has a spot solely dedicated to soyboys. Hell might not be so bad afterall.”
Gordon laughed and grabbed me by muh dik.
“Let’s go Raiden, let’s see what hell has in store for those faggots.” We both jumped into the dark abyss. Gordon laughed the whole way down.
Part 5
Keem was busy testing out new recipes for his restaurant when in a flash of lightning the Beast appeared in his kitchen.
“HOLY FUCK SHIT. FUCK OFF BEAST, DON’T SCARE ME LIKE TAHT” Keem yelled
“Don’t be such a bitchboi, bitchboi.” Beast remarked
Keem snarled, but knew he was in no room to negotiate.
“So….where the fuck is my cut.” Keem said
LA Beast raised his hand palm up, and in a small bolt of lightning the bottle was resting in his hand. He could tell that Keem was desperate for the sauce. But just as he started pouring Keemstar’s cut. A powerful vision came to him. It was Gordon, alive, but….not alive? The vision confused Beast. He hurriedly poured the rest of Keems share and handed it to him and started to leave.
“Hey beast” Keem said.
The LA Beast turned around to see Keem conjuring up a powerful sauce spell.
“Eat shit” Keem yelled and sent the spell hurdling at Beast, only it didn’t. The spell backfired and engulfed Keem in a LambSauce fueled fire. LA Beast watched and laughed as Keem fell to the floor in agony as his body was burned in righteous flames.
“Serves you right, dumbass. How about you actually study a spell next time you try to betray someone like that. Not like there’s gonna be a next time. LOL”
Beast disappeared in a bolt of lightning as Keem laid on the floor, barely breathing.
Part 6
Gordon used a spell to stop us before we hit the ground. Well, stop HIM. I hit the ground dick first and felt something bust, but now was not the time for tears. For what was in front of us was truly sickening. Millions of soy ridden degenerates trying their hardest to get at a single bag of soy hanging from a rope just out of reach. There were tearing eachother bit by bit just for a chance to get the soy, but alas, nobody ever reached the substance. And either fell into the bloody moshpit, or had their body torn to bits by the ravenous faggots who crave the miniscule amount of soy in the blood of every hipster douche.
“Yep, she’s gotta be in here.” I said Gordon looked over to me
“It would be good to have a guide for us. But I must ask, why are so bent on trying to find her?”
I looked gordon right in those baby blues
“Because I need some fucking pussy. I haven’t seen or touched a bob or vagene in that many years. And what better way to get some major pusspuss than to rescue someone from hell.” I said
Gordon looked at me like I was a retarded child
“well, quit wearing a fedora and trench coat with sweatpants for one. Another is to quit referring to it as “pusspuss”. And a third one is you’d be better off fucking a possum on the side of the road than one of those wenches from that timeline. Lord knows what diseases they have.”
“At this point I’ll take whatever I can get” I said, my dick doing the talking for me.
“Whatever, but don’t come crying to me when your dick melts off mid-fuck.”
With that Gordon summoned up a spell. A blue aura illuminated his fist as he jumped in the air and punched the ground. The ground rumbled as the blue aura left his hand and made its way into the crowd.
“There. Follow that blue line. It will lead you straight to her. But I’m gonna stay here and enjoy watching the bloodshed. Try not to get your fucking guts ripped out through your mouth, got it?”
“Got it.” I said and followed the line into the moshpit.
Part 7
Even with their bodies destroyed with the cancer that is soy and having a muscle mass equivalent to that of a 10 year old african girl they still were surprisingly efficient in killing one another. Most of them used their arms and legs, but a few got smart and used their teeth, rocks, and weapons fashioned from the bones of other soyboys. A few had formed alliances, these teams were the most successful in killing their opponents, but it was mostly a huge free for all. The most dependent on soy had turned to cannibalism and drinking the blood of dead hipsters in an effort to satisfy the insatiable hunger. The blue line Gordon had made for me was next to impossible to see with the blood that covered the ground. Finally after what felt like eternity I made it through the massive melee. I was covered in scratches, bitemarks, and blood that wasn’t mine. The blue line led to an opening in the rock wall. I slowly made my way towards the opening and stuck my head in.
“Hey you in here? I swear I’m not one of those soy-crazed fucks. Pls cum out.”
Rather than being met with a fuckable hipster, I was met with a sharpened stick jabbed right into my fucking eye. I fell back onto the bloody ground.
“AAAAAAH WHAT THE FUCK YOU GODDAMN BACKWARDS HIPSTER CUNT YOU GOT ME RIGHT IN THE GODDAMN FUCKING EYE!!!”
The girl stuck her head out of the cave entrance. “Do...do I know you? I feel like I’ve met you before. Sorry about your eye, that looks like it fucking hurts. God that’s disgusting….let me get a picture of it.”
The girl then pulled out some piece of shit camera from the fucking wild west days and took a close up of my destroyed eye. “Nice” she said and stowed the picture away.
I looked at her through my one good eye. Definitely who i was looking for. I pulled the stick from my ruined eye and held my hand over my eyehole.
“YOU FUCKING BITCH I LITERALLY GO THROUGH HELL TO GET YOUR STUPID ASS AND YOU IMPALE ME IN THE EYE WITH A FUCKING STICK. FUCK IT, WE GOTTA GET THROUGH THIS FUCKING SHITHOLE BACK TO GORDON”
I grabbed her by the arm and drug her through the sea of ravenous hipsters. We were directly above the powdered soy when I felt her get the jitters. I looked behind me to see her staring directly at the soy, a small bit a saliva dripping from her mouth. I gave her a hard tug and drug her back to Gordon, who was sitting on a rock watching the bloodshed.
“Took you long enough. Holy shit your eye is fucking gross. Normally I’d be able to fix that right up, but since I have no sauce this eyepatch is gonna have to do.”
Gordon reached into his satchel and pulled out a black eyepatch. I placed it over my eye and looked at my reflection in a particularly deep pool of blood. I looked pretty fucking awesome.
Gordon then turned his attention towards the girl
“Now you. I must say, you look a whole lot better than the last time I saw you. Having teeth will do that to a person. First of all, what’s your name, what’s your age, and what’s the last thing you remember before ending up here.
“Max….my name is Max and I’m 18.”
I looked to Gordon “My lucky number.” I said triumphantly
“Shut the fuck up.” Gordon said then looking to Max “continue”
Max continued. “I remember...hurting. Everything hurting. I remember barely being able to speak. I remember eating berries and the pain going away. I remember…..both of your faces, and one other person….and…..her.” Max started to cry. I had to tuck my dick into my waistband, I have a thing for girls crying after traumatic experiences.
“The blue haired girl” Gordon spoke up
“....Chloe” Max said
“Is she here as well?” Gordon asked
“No...she’s in real hell. The hell that really fucking hurts. Turns out all hipsters get sent to hell, but they inflict pain on eachother. But yeah, she screwed up and is being gnawed on by harpies” ”
“Damn…that's rough.” I said
“That it is, but it sounds like we can’t help her anymore. But we might be able to help you. We need to get out of Hell, but without someone who knows the layout of the land we’re as good as blind. If you help us reach the bottom layer….we MIGHT be able to drag you out with us.” Gordon said
Max shivered “the bottom layer is for the worst of the worst, why go through all that when you can stay up here in relative comfort as far as Hell is concerned?”
“Because...there’s shit going down back on Earth. If we don’t get back, Earth is as good as gone…..again” Gordon trailed off stuck in his own thought
“Will you do it?” I asked
Max appeared to ponder the question then spoke: “I guess….anything to get out of this place.”
“Lead the way” Gordon said and we made our way through the massive brawl. Until finally we reached the gate to the second layer. I had no telling what was in store for us, but I got a feeling Max had a pretty good idea. Her whole body seemed to shake. I took her by the hand and her shaking seemed to go down just a bit. She held my hand in an iron grip. Little did she know I was using my other hand to jerk off since it was the first time I had touched a qt3.14 that was alive. You really think I’d do some gay romantic shit like that and not be busy jerkin muh gherkin
Part 8
“LA BEAST HERE TODAY I AM GONNA SNORT THIS LINE OF LAMBSAUCE AND ABSORB ALL OF ITS POWERS. ONCE I HAVE SUCCESSFULLY SNORTED ALL OF THE SAUCE I WILL THEN TAKE THE CITIES AND KILL LITERALLY EVERYONE. ANY OF YOU CUCKS THAT ARE SPARED WILL BE ENSLAVED AND USED AS FODDER AGAINST WHOMEVER STANDS AGAINST ME”
The Beast then pulled out the sauce and created a massive line. He pulled out a massive straw and stuck it straight up his nose and to his fucking brain.
“Have a good day”
The beast then snorted the whole line in 6.9 seconds flat. He screamed a guttural roar as his muscles bulged out from his t-shirt so much the sweat bands on his arms snapped like they were nothing. His eyes lit up in a bright red flare. He grew to twice his size and his voice dropped 3 octaves. He then disappeared in a flash of lightning. The camera still recording.
Meanwhile in hell us 3 sexy adventurers made our way down to the second layer of Hell. My eye hurt as hell, but the cool factor of having an eyepatch made the pain worth it. Gordon seemed to be enjoying himself, and Max was still having soy withdrawals.As we made our way down the staircase Max stopped
“What is it?” Gordon asked
“There’s another way…” Max said
“There is? Is it easier than going through all the layers of hell?” I asked
“Very much so...but….” Max trailed off
“But what? BUT WHAT!” Gordon asked impatiently
“It’ll cost you….” Max said begrudgingly
I perked up “OH I GET IT. THIS IS ONE OF THOSE THINGS WHERE YOU GET SOMETHING BUT IT COSTS YOUR SOUL”
“Pretty much…” Max said “The only problem is that you are sent to painful hell, Chloe’s Hell”
Gordon stood there weighing the pros and cons of each.
“Take us there.” Gordon asked of Max
She did what was asked of her and we made our way towards...wherever we were going.
Part 9
In no time at all we were in a circular room. Unlike hell’s rough architecture. The room was circular and smooth, and looked as though great care was put into its creation. The floor was a giant pentagram (edgy) A booming voice thundered from nowhere
“The fuck do you fuccs want?”
Gordon spoke up: “We want to make a deal”
“Huh….most people here are appreciative their punishment is so light. So why in the FUCK do you wanna leave?”
“Unfinished business” Gordon said
“That’s what they all say. Every soul that comes into this place thinks they have one last thing to do before the can rest peacefully, only to realize whatever they left for was pointless. And once they return they are sent to a much more painful Hell. But this is different they say, but it always ends the same. With regret.”
“I understand” Gordon said “but this is really different.”
The voice manifested itself as a black mist in front of us, and once again spoke.
“I don’t think it is, I know why you’re here. You want to go back and take revenge on the man who killed you, I speak from experience when I say that the revenge you seek will taste bitter, and when you first enter real hell you’ll realize just how ignorant you were, but your pleas will fall upon deaf ears. You’ll just be another victim in the endless line of those who put their pride before their very souls, but I know your mind is already made up. I might as well save my breath and get down to details.”
It pointed to Max first “You are a hipster bitch, that alone is reason enough for you to be in real hell, but you died in such brutal fashion that we decided to give you a break and put you in this hell. Hell-lite if you will. Your soul already belongs to this place, I have no use in bartering you.
It then pointed to me
“You have absolutely 0 redeeming qualities about you. The only reason you ended up here is because purgatory is full at the moment. Neither hell wants you. You get to spend the rest of eternity in blandness and neutrality.”
It pointed to Gordon last
“But you…..you are one of the most powerful saucerers we’ve had here. The last one that was anywhere near your caliber was over 600 years ago. The souls of saucerers are as good as gold. What are your requests?”
Gordon steeled his heart and spoke to the being “Us three are sent back to Earth and you give me the power needed to defeat the Beast.”
“I can send two of you, and I can give you the power you need. But I will send all three of you.”
“Well, then my soul stays with me” Gordon said
“WAIT WAIT….i’ll stay here.” Max said
“What?” I asked her
“I’ll stay here. I don’t wanna go back up. There’s no point without Cholera.”
“That’s fucking retarded” I told her
“Is it? I was alive for only 18 years, but suffered enough to fill 3 lifetimes. Why would I wanna go through any of that again?”
I had no answer to that.
The mist spoke up again “The girl...if you truly want to see your friend again, then I can send the girl to her friend’s hell if you really want to be together. But I must warn you, that hell holds nothing back, and will very likely use your friendship against each other, but alas, you’ll still have each other, which is more than anyone else in real hell has.
“I’ll do it.” Max said, a slight hitch in her words showed she wasn’t 100% certain about her choice.
“Before the girl choses, I must warn you that you absolutely CANNOT change your mind. Once you’re there, you’re there for eternity.”
“Beats hiding in a crevice in the side of the wall” Max said and managed a slight chuckle.
“I highly doubt that” the mist said and enveloped Max. She yelped and rolled up her sleeve. Her arm had a pentagram burned into it. The mist spoke up again
“They’ll be here for you in a few seconds.”
The ground below Max’s feet lit up and dozens of scorched hands came up and dragged her down. Her flesh began to melt. Her screams filled the circular room. The last thing I ever heard her say was “I CHANGE MY MIND”
The mist chuckled
“They never learn. Anyways. I guess that makes it easier for you two. I will send both of you back, and give you the power you need to defeat him, but remember. The same fate awaits YOU as what is currently happening to the girl.”
Gordon gulped “do it.”
“WAIT, WHAT ABOUT ME.”
The mist stared into me “like I said, you are undesirable on all fronts. Enjoy purgatory once you die, again.”
The mist encircled Gordon, who fell to one knee and clenched his chest. He then got back up. His eyes red like hellfire. The mist then encircled both of us, and we woke up where we had been killed. The temple.
Part 10
“GORDON ARE YOU ALRIGHT” I yelled from outside the temple. Gordon limped out of the destroyed temple. His eyes glowing red. “I’ve never felt so good in my life.” he said
He reached up to his temple, closed his eyes, and said something.
“What was that?” I asked
“An invitation” Gordon said with confidence
….
Beast was busy eating a meal of cacti and pussy when he received the message.
“It’s not over yet, bitch.”
Beast chuckled and said to himself. “That old fuck wants round two, I’ll give him round two.”
He reached up to the sky and teleported in a bolt of lightning
….
“Ready yourself, Raiden. I can sense him coming” Gordon said
In an instant the sky grew dark with storm clouds. And in a bright flash there was the LA Beast. Finishing an extra prickly cactus.
“YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN TO JUST FUCKING STAY DEAD, DO YOU, GORDON. I GOTTA SAY THOUGH, IT TAKES SERIOUS BALLS TO DRAG THEIR WAY BACK OUT OF HELL ONLY TO GET THEIR ASS SHOVED BACK IN HEADFIRST!” The beast remarked
“THAT’S NOT HOW THIS IS GONNA GO, YOU FUCKSHIT. YOU GOT LUCKY THE FIRST TIME, BUT NOW YOUR THE ONE GETTING ASS POUNDED.” Gordon remarked
Beast laughed “I TURNED YOUR ASS INTO NOTHING WITHOUT LAMBSAUCE, NOW THAT I HAVE IT. I WILL END YOU IN HALF THE TIME. SPEAKING OF, SHOUTOUT TO YOUR BOY KEEM FOR TELLING ME WHERE YOU KEPT YOUR LAMBSAUCE. DON’T WORRY ABOUT HIM THOUGH, HE TRIED TO BACKSTAB ME TOO, BUT HIS STUPID ASS COULDN’T HANDLE THE POWER OF THE LAMBSAUCE AND ENDED UP BURNING HIMSELF ALIVE”
Gordon smirked “FUCK DANIEL-SAN. FUCK THE LAMBSAUCE. IT’S JUST YOU….AND ME. I’LL EVEN GIVE YOU THE FIRST HIT”
With that the LA Beast flew at Gordon at inhuman speeds. He threw a superpowered left hook, but Gordon ducked just in time and got him right in the jaw with his own hook. The LA Beast, now enraged sparta kicked Gordon right in the chest, sending him through a temple wall, but Gordon picked up a piece of rock and chucked it so fast it broke the sound barrier. It hit beast right in the face, shattering his nose. Both now weakened, were reduced to wrestling eachother. But Beast, simply stronger than Gordon, picked him up above his head and dropped gordon right onto his knee. I cringed as I heard a cracking sound. The beast then threw Gordon right in my direction.
“....get up” I whispered to myself, but gordon didn’t get up. I ran out, fully expecting to be obliterated by the beast, but he simply watched and laughed.
When I got to Gordon I could tell he was in bad shape. I picked up his head, blood was running out his nose and mouth. Between spitting up blood he told me something.
"R-R-Raiden...open up my shirt.” I did as I was told and opened up his white chef’s shirt. I was so worried I didn’t even get hard when I exposed his sick eight pack.
“Grab the 3rd knife on the left.” I did and saw that the knife was jet black and vibrated in my hand.
“L...listen to the knife Raiden, let it do the fighting...it’s up to you now” Gordon said and his held went limp.
On the verge of tears, I got up slowly and faced the Beast. He started to laugh even harder.
“ARE YOU REALLY READY TO DIE AGAIN FOR YOUR MASTER? I WAS MERCIFUL TO YOU THE FIRST TIME, BUT THIS TIME IT WILL BE SLOW”
I didn’t say a word. I got up and tore off my trenchcoat. Exposing my unitard.
I spoke
“SHOW ME WHAT YOU GOT, BEAST!”
He charge and I did as Gordon said, let the knife do the fighting. I moved just enough for the Beast to cut himself. He stopped felt the spot where he had been cut, and brought his fingers up to examine. His blood was no longer blood, his blood was pure LambSauce.
“VERY GOOD, IT SEEMS GORDON HAS TAUGHT YOU WELL, BUT NOT WELL ENOUGH.”
He charged, but dodged the knife attack and brought his knee right up to my chin. I flew into the air and landed hard on my back. I could feel my teeth loosen and my jaw lock, but I kept fighting. This time I took the offensive and charged LA Beast, but he caught me by the throat, much like he did before. He prepared the same decapitating punch, but just before he did so I stabbed him right in the ribcage. He dropped me and grabbed at his abdomen.
“YOU LITTLE FUCKER” he yelled and blindly charged. I stabbed forward, but he caught my arm and broke it at the elbow like it was nothing. I lost my grip of the knife and fell to the ground in agony. Beast laughed and started beating on my face. Over and over his massive fists colliding with my face. I felt my nose break, I felt my jaw unhinge, I felt teeth pooling at the back of my throat. Until finally he stopped.
“Like your master...weak...and pathetic.” He then started to perform a spell. The same spell Gordon had used on Mr. Jefferson, the same spell that Beast had turned back on Gordon. I dragged my broken body towards the knife. Beast laughed as I rolled back over knife in hand. He then sent the spell right towards me. I was finished, I held the knife up in one absolute last ditch effort that I was sure would fail, only it didn’t….the knife blocked the attack and sent the spell towards Beast. His eyes grew huge as he was engulfed in the spell. He screamed as his body was incinerated in the LambSauce fueled blaze. Until finally he collapsed to the ground as a smoking cinder.
I somehow got to my feet and made my way towards him while stumbling from the sheer agony. I finally got to Beast, who was somehow still alive.
“Have a good day….bitch.” I said
Beast muscled out a laugh. He then raised his blackened hands and made two finger pistols at me
“You’re pretty gay.” his body then went limp.
The Beast was dead.
….
I limped my way back to Gordon. He was alive but barely breathing. I tried my best to carry him, but my body was simply too broken. Someone eventually found us and we were rushed to the hospital, where we eventually recovered. Once we got out we agreed to meet at the temple.
“So...Beast wasn’t lying when he said Keem betrayed us” I said
“Nope, but it looks like karma got him good. He’s still alive, but completely catatonic and in a wheelchair.” Gordon replied
We sat on the steps of the temple watching the sun go down. I decided now was the time to tell him
“Gordon...I want out”
“I don’t blame you, Raiden. The past few years have been hell, and then we actually WENT to hell. It’s too much for anyone to bare. Just do one thing for me, Raiden.”
“What is it?” I asked
“Hand over your pager"
I did as I was told and handed over the pager to Gordon. I got up put my hand out for Godon shake, which he didn’t. After about 5 seconds of awkward silence I left for my home. I was free, and I never looked back.
35 years later
Arcadia Bay, Oregon
The Cemetery
I was wearing my ceremonial fedora and trenchcoat, along with my favorite eyepatch. I just wanted to visit her….one last time. Her family seems to have forgotten about her, her gravestone was old and cracked. The picture on her gravestone had faded to nearly nothing. I considered going to see her family, but I wouldn’t have the strength to tell them she is currently burning in hell. It was a lot of trouble to get to the cemetery. I know Gordon told me all those years ago to never cross timelines, but at that point I didn’t give a shit, I just needed some reassurance. It didn’t matter, I wouldn’t be around much longer anyways. I fell down to my knees in front of her grave.
“I’m sorry.” I said, and pulled out my golden deagle. I loaded a single round and put the barrel in my mouth. I savored the taste of the gunmetal while I looked up into the blue sky one last time. Just before I pulled the trigger I pulled the barrel out of my mouth and the bullet whizzed right by my head, giving me tinnitus and a headache. I doubled over and began to sweat and pant heavily. Then I heard a voice.
“That’s right…..Good. No need for you to go just yet.”
I knew that voice. That fucking voice.
“It’s been a long time…Raiden.”
I slowly got up to my feet to take a look at the man. His once blonde hair was grey and slicked back. His face was sporting a full fledged beard, and he was wearing a light brown trench coat. To his right was a disfigured man in a wheelchair.
“.....Gordon?” The birds resting in the trees flew off, almost on que
I saw he had a weapon. I never knew the man to use guns, but I wasn’t gonna take a chance. I quickly loaded a full magazine into my degale and took aim. Gordon, unphased, slowly walked towards me, and aimed the rifle. I unclicked the safety and prepared to fire. Gordon then dropped the rifle back down, I did the same. Then he once again brought it up. Only this time he let go of the rifle. I watched the rifle fall to the ground, but he took advantage of my momentary lack of attention and quickly locked me in a hold, my pistol hanging down by my side. He was almost hugging me. He then whispered in my ear
“Let it go, Raiden….I am not here to fight.” He released me and once more spoke
“Or should I call you...saucerer”
After he said that Metal Gear Solid 4: Father and Son started playing. Creating an even more intense atmosphere
I was confused: “What?” I asked
Gordon spoke up again, “It’s over...it’s time for you to put aside the gun”
His hand slid down my arm and grabbed my deagle. He then pulled away with my deagle in hand.
“And live” he said as he disengaged the magazine and removed the bullet in the chamber. He then dropped the pistol to the cold ground alongside his rifle.
“It all began with a bunch of old fools...Now, they’ve all passed away. Their era of folly is over. I’m the only one left and soon….I’ll be gone, too.”
I couldn’t help but ask: “How can you still be alive?”
“The powers the mist instilled in me long ago...allowed me to live far past the time I should’ve died.”
We walked towards the man in the wheelchair.
“Keem” I said
“Yes” Gordon smirked “Even with so much bad blood between us, it’s funny. Now that I’m actually face to face with him again...The hatred is gone. All I feel is a deep sense of longing, and pity”
Gordon walked around Keems veggie body.
“Did Daniel-san really hate me...or did he fear me?”
“Huh….it’s too late to ask him now.” Just then Keem started pissing into the catheter he had on.
Once Keem was finished, Gordon continued.
“All the original characters. Chloe, Max, Mr. Jefferson, Jake Paul, LA Beast. They’ve all passed on. Only Daniel-san is left”
Gordon looked me dead in my one good eye.
“Everything has its beginning. But it doesn’t start at one; it starts long before that”
Gordon struggled to squat
“In chaos. The world is born from zero. The moment zero becomes one is the moment the world springs to life. One becomes two, two becomes 10, 10 becomes 100.”
“Taking it all back to 1 solves nothing. So long as 0 remains, 1 will eventually become 100 again.” Gordon stood back up
“And so, our goal was to erase zero. Even the mighty lamb sauce began with a single ingredient. That one ingredient became full fledged sauce, and we realized too late we had created a beast.” Gordon looked to Keem
“His sin….was ours. I’m taking it upon myself to send Daniel-san….back to nothing.”
As the music got louder Gordon reached down and turned off the oxygen connected to Keems life support. Keem groaned and started to struggle as his breaths grew more and more ragged. Gordon reached around and embraced him as his oxygen ran out….Keem was now dead. Gordon slid his eyelids down and turned off his life support.
I spoke up
“You going back to zero, as well?”
Gordon turned to face me once more
“Today...you will erase me.”
“The virus the mist planted in me has already begun eating away at my body.”
Just then Gordon gripped his stomach and fell to his knees while moaning in pain.
“What’s wrong?” I asked, but Gordon waved me away.
Gordon began crawling towards a gravestone. He tried to get up to his feet, but fell again.
“Do me a favor, will ya….take me over to her.” I did as he asked and we limped our way towards her gravestone, but before we got there Gordon collapsed and had to rest. I took the chance to ask him.
“Am I going to die?”
Gordon looked up to me
“Everyone dies. You can’t stop it, you can’t run away from it. Let me tell you something.”
“Don’t...don’t waste the life you have left fighting.”
While his words resonated inside me Gordon tried to get back up. I helped him to his feet, and he continued his monologue
“I never thought of you as a son, but I’ve always respected you….as a soldier.”
“And….as a man. If you would’ve been in my place back then...maybe you wouldn’t have made the same mistakes that I did. Ever since the day Mr. Jefferson killed Max….I was already dead.”
Gordon let go of me and fell on all fours in front of her grave, much like the way I was before he showed up.
“Max...you were right. It’s not about changing the world, it’s about doing our best to leave the world...that way it is…..It’s about respecting the will of other, and believing in your own. Isn’t that….what you died for?”
I was pretty sure she died because she sent her teacher a picture of her shit, but I wasn’t gonna tell Gordon that. Dementia is a bitch.
Gordon then struggled to get up to his feet, but when he did, you bet your ass he started monologuing some more.
“At last, I understand the meaning behind what you did. At last, I understand the truth behind your courage”
Gordon stood at attention and brought a shaky hand to his forehead, and saluted Max’s grave...for some reason.
Gordon released and barely kept his balance
“It’s almost time for me to go, and with me the last ember of this fruitless war dies out. And at last, all those old evils will be gone. Once the source of evil returns to zero. A new one, a new future, will be born. That new world, is yours to live in. Not as a saucerer….but as a man.”
Gordon reached out to give me a handshake. I hesitated, but reached my hand out to meet his. Just as we were about to shake he clenched his stomach and fell to the ground in pain, but luckily I caught him. The fucker still wasn’t done talking.
“Know this, Daniel-san and I, Chloe and Max. We all fought a long, bloody war for our LambSauce. We fought to free ourselves from life and and systems and norms and soy. But no matter how hard we tried, the only Sauce we found...was inside...trapped within those limits.”
Gordon tried to get back up, but slumped back onto her gravestone.
“But you….you have been given freedom...freedom to be...outside. You are nobody bitch, nobody's cum dumpster. You are no longer a prisoner of LambSauce. You...are no longer a seed of war. It’s time for you to see the outside world with your own eyes...eye. Your body….and your soul are your own.”
“Forget about me, Raiden.”
Gordon pulled out a fatass doobie and brought it to his mouth.
“Live...for yourself.”
He got out his lighter, but was so weak he dropped it. So he spoke some more
“A new lease on life”
The dubie fell out of his mouth, he was too weak to blaze it up.
A single tear strolled down his face as he turned toward Max’s gravestone.
“Max...you only need one bottle of LambSauce. No…”
“The world would be better off without LambSauce.”
A hero shouldn’t go out like that, so I quickly picked up the doobie and lighter. Took a huge ass drag, and placed it in Gordon’s mouth.
Gordon took a few light puffs. I placed my hand on his shoulder. He looked up to me, and muttered one final phrase.
“This is good...isn’t it.”
I watched as the life drained from his eyes...and the doobie dropped from his hand.
Gordon was gone, and I was alone.
The End
Raiden...Will Not Return